Sunday, June 12, 2016

Depression Tidbits: Lack of Emotion

Today's depression tidbit(s):

In all my years of struggling through depression I feel that my emotion switch is damaged from wear and tear.
In most situations that would cause people to cry or express sadness, mine is more either anger, frustration or numb. (FOR the short summary read the blue text at the bottom)

Best example with the latest news, (mix from latest randomness to actual known news etc)

Buckle in the road sends some vehicles "flying"

- The Trump/Hilary/Bernie campaign....there are too many links, go to the latest article and find out
(the whole thing causes me depression because we are looking at a shit storm period)

Florida Night Club shooting update, people died. (yes that sounds cruel but there is a point to this, read on)

- not so recent, Death/Suicide of Robin Williams  (that one still bothers me because there is so much behind it)

Most people would react (in order of links) Woah, scary, omg this shit again (or various reactions), horror/upset/cry/etc, and grief with Robin Williams.

For me...due to the being numb and many years of it, my reactions are these instead.
WEEE, someone kick them in the head and let Bernie run this, more news fodder people DIED for some stupid bullshit just stfu already and let people mourn, to omg Robin Williams had a mental disorder *sarcastic gasp* OH NO WE DIDN'T KNOW. eff off.

In summary yes quite weird and off.
In the many years of having cried and been sad and depressed and melancholy my *sad* switch is worn down if not broken. Seeing me cry or express sadness is very rare as I don't like crying in front of people let alone my own family and expressing sadness has become difficult beyond saying how i feel for me.

Do i feel sad and upset and concerned for these things, YES. Can i express it? Not so much.
The one that bothers me the most BESIDES the election bs is the Robin Williams one.
For those of us in the community of Mental/Invisible Diseases, we KNOW the signs and Robin Williams exhibited many. To the rest of the world he was a great comedian and they didn't know he suffered etc. Even though it was Lewy Dementia, depression was still present.

I want to slap them all in the head because of their obliviousness but I don't and instead shove that emotion down.

I suppose the point to this is that, DUE to having been in the sad/depressed/crying state so often for so long, it feels like I am done being that and cannot feel said emotions in situations where one should feel those. Instead I switch to something else to remain calm or sane because I DO NOT want to walk down the emotional path that could lead to a down spiral and breakdown. You would not believe how EASY that is to do with the right push. Yet also how easy it is to keep my head forward and keep going.

DUE to how I personally react to things lately, people have taken to reacting negatively to me in disbelief. Those that know me either handle it or just don't say anything. Or at best talk to me to see what caused that. 
(IE reaction to the road buckle- WEEE cars fly! friend reaction: yeah that is funny, hope they get it fixed. Me. yeah hope so too, *attempting to stop laughter* thats pretty dangerous. *closes article*)

That is the best I could hope for, some one to still talk to me instead of turn away in shock or disgust or at worst yell what is wrong with me. (What's wrong with me? right now you screaming at me!)

This begs the question, am I the only one in my age group that "seems off" in my prolonged depression because I am so damn tired of being sad? And I am embracing my weirdness and silly responses preferably now because I'd rather laugh and smile than dredge in the bad.
That is not to say the bad news doesn't affect me, it does, I just stopped looking at it and took a bleak view while learning to keep those thoughts to myself. IE everyone dies, these people had the unfortunate situation to die now due to some dumbass with a gun.. Yes, cruel thought. Does it mean I don't care? NO. It means I have been around and alive long enough to stop having the typical reactions and use my brain before opening my mouth. 
Right now, the best I can do is close the article or stop reading it and carry on with myself. And do something about it or deal with it.

The point, I don't feel sadness normally anymore and due to this I react way differently than most people would. Because of this I get shunned/reacted badly too etc by my peers and I stopped giving a feck about it. Such is the life of someone with prolonged/long term depression. Are there other people with this similar situation?

Thank you for reading. This has been a random depression thought about emotion issues.

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